Nothing stretches the soul and builds character like the hard work of forgiveness. It's not so much the wanting to forgive, nor is it the proclaiming of absolution that costs us so much. Rather, it is the laying claim to the true and difficult work of forgiveness that is really required. This involves owning the pain that has been done to us, believing that we have a right to be angry, finding our voices and speaking our truth. All of these make forgiveness an act of courage because it is ultimately a step toward freedom.

This work begins not with the other but with the self. Before relational living is reestablished, broken boundaries must be recognized. The relationship may be over, but the injured party must acknowledge the wound and confront the hurt. When we ignore the arduous work of forgiveness, we deny ourselves the chance for some growth.

How many times have we swallowed our pain, denied our bruises, minimized a situation? Eventually our true feelings seep out in passive aggressive behavior, a migraine headache, a feeling of malaise, or avoidance of that person. It becomes easier to write them off than to confront them. We rationalize that by speaking up or challenging them, we might be adding insult to injury, prolonging the situation, or creating further hurt. We think we are being judicious. Instead, we are often being unwise. The further suffering we create is neither redemptive nor life-giving.

In the story of the prodigal, the trouble with the older sibling who stayed home is that he never spoke up but rather sulked for what was denied. The faithful sibling was injured, felt slighted, but never owned that pain or trusted the relationship with the parent enough to speak out. "You should have asked!" is the final admonition.

Forgiveness is difficult because it has its own timeline. The work cannot be rushed. It is an invitation to live in a place of dry bones and pain. In the end, after all the work is done, it might not bring the hoped-for reconciliation. It might be better to let the other go or to give ourselves permission to break away in freedom.

Whether between nations, among friends, or with strangers, the work of forgiveness begins with a call to truth. For acknowledging hurt is always a matter of truth telling, and truth telling is that which sets us free.